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With Best wishes : Patiala Eye Hospital , Leela Bhawan Complex , Patiala

        President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and  Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth  II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six  magnificent  white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking  sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,  all is going well.  But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of  gastronomic flatulence ever  heard in the British
Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the  Falkland  Islands.
        It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries  of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen  decides that’s ridiculous.She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets….I’m sure you understand that there are some things  that even a Queen cannot control".
        George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "You Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought……you know, if  you hadn’t  said something I would have thought it was one of the horses

The Diagnosis 

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
            The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
            The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
            The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.The vet answers, "$550."   "$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!
            "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan  and lab tests."

 

Letter from a Daughter to her Parents

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I’m sorry I haven’t written More often and I’m very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I’m sure you have been worried about me. Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down OK? Don’t read any further unless you’re sitting down. OK?Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast. In fact, I can almost see normally  again and I only get headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He’s so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m sure that it will be before I start to show. That’s right, Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant!

I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion  and tender care you gave me when I was growing up. We would get  married now but we both failed our premarital blood tests because  of some minor infection. He told me about it before hand, but  dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by
next month. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.

He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious — just like Dad! Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won’t mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I’m sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That’s an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that’s all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.


                                                                            Your loving daughter,                                                                                Julia


    :- Tanuj Thapar

I LIKE MONKEYS

The pet store was selling them for 25 Rs. a piece. i thought this was odd since they are normally a couple of hundreds. i decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so i bought 200 of them. i like monkeys. i took my 200 monkeys home. i have a big car. i let one drive. his name was “Bajrangi”. he was retarded. in fact, none of them were really bright. they kept punching themselves in the genitals. i laughed. they punched me in the genitals. i stopped laughing. i herded them into my room. they didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. they would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. altough humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into the third hour. two hours later, i found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. no apparent reason. they all just stort of dropped dead. kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. doggone cheap monkeys. i didnt’ know what to do. there were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. it looked like i had 200 throw rugs. i tried to flush one down the toilet. it didn’t work. it got stuck. then i had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. i tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. that worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. it started to smell real bad. i had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and i didn’t want to call the plumber..i was embarrassed. i tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. unfortunately, there was only enough room for two at a time, so i had to change them every 30 seconds. i also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. i tried to burn them, but little did i know that my bed was flammable. i had to extinguish the fire. then i had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet; two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. the odor wasn’t improving. i became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and i really had to use the bathroom. so i went and severely beat one of the monkeys. i felt better. i tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. i told him i had a wet one. he wouldn’t take it either. i didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones. i finally arrived at a solution. i gave them out as new year gifts. my friends didn’t quite know what to say. they pretended to like them, but i could tell they were lying. ingrates. so i punched them in the genitals. i like monkeys.

:-SHAILENDER MEHTA